March 29, 2020
Everything Under the Sun
A tear slips down both cheeks as I hug Glen’s shirt to me. I smell it, but it’s already been washed and lost his sweet smell. I hug it to me and sigh and say out loud, “Mon Cherie Glen. Oh how I miss you!” I’m not sure how my life has come to this. I tuck the shirt in the box that is slowing filling up. I’ve already filled a garbage bag with Glen’s clothes. Logically I know that he’s not coming back. Yet somehow his clothes in the closet and various places in the house make me think he’s here…I’m not sure what it is but it’s really difficult. God has instructed me to put one item of clothing at a time in a box to get ready to bring to the thrift store. Each evening I take one thing of Glen’s and go through the same motions. Tears. Whispering his name. Heartbreak as if each thing I give away makes me die even more on the inside. I pray over each item of clothing as I put it in the box… “Lord, bless this shirt. Bless the person who wears it and call them to you. Let them know that because a great man wore this that they too are great and can be called your son. Wrap this person up with your love.” I’m trying…yet it is a nightly ritual that I detest.
We are in the second week of the corona virus lock down. I am still counselling people online. I believe the new instructions are to not be face to face with anyone other than those you are living with. I’m so thankful that my son Joshua is still home with me! I do feel bad for him because his spring job at Camp Squeah is not likely to happen. Donovan is still at Camp Squeah doing his internship but as they cannot accept any groups there is no money to pay them. At least Donovan can collect EI. Josh cannot because the only job he had was doing a very few NeurOptimal hook ups for me. He’s finishing his semester online. He pointed out that he’s not had an actual full year of Bible College yet. Last year both boys took the semester off because Glen passed away. This year it’s the corona virus. What next?
I am choosing joy – besides the arduous task of giving Glen’s clothes and stuff away – I am purposefully choosing joy. Yet I live in a state of bittersweet. I am doing really well in many ways. I am functioning. I am working. I go to the barn everyday and take care of my horse. When the weather co-operates and my horse is able (as he’s got severe navicular which means lame) I ride slowly on the dyke. I walk my dog. I cook a little – Josh is doing more cooking than me because I end up doing horse chores when it’s suppertime. I laugh. I exercise. I clean my house and try to keep up with the yard – try being the optimum point here. So I’m doing ok. Yet I’m not doing ok too. I miss Glen more than words can express. For me his passing is like yesterday. I miss his sweet caress. I miss his smile and his blue eyes looking at me with love. I miss him telling me to cover my mouth when I yawn and me rolling my eyes at him because when I don’t cover my mouth he knows full well that I’m not feeling well enough to lift my arm up! I miss him helping me with garbage day, fixing the greenhouse (and yes, the other half of the greenhouse blew apart but my friends Ray and Cassandra were over so Ray and Josh fixed it☺). I miss him cuddling me in the morning. I miss him hugging me many times a day. I miss his “I love you”. I miss his ring tone on my phone and jump with anticipation when I hear it on someone else’s phone. I miss him on my birthday. I miss him every minute of every day and think about him constantly just like I always have but now it’s with a deep, unfulfilled longing. I don’t think I will ever stop longing for my man. From what I hear that is normal for the widow and widower.
I have heard that the second year is harder. It’s not harder. It’s just hard in a different way. I think people around you expect that you’ll be better so you pretend that you are. In many ways you probably are yet it still hurts so much so you’re not. But you are. See the dilemma? I guess it’s the art of living in the bittersweet. In the wake of all that is going on in the world right now it becomes just a bit more bitter than sweet so we have to keep choosing the sweet. The beginning’s of the Apocalypse are here and Glen had the nerve to go on ahead of me and let me live through this without him? He really has some nerve! (Yes, I’m mostly kidding). I am in a considerable amount of Lyme pain with migraines head to toe and very little energy so I just feel that I need Glen…
So with the Corona virus going on as well as other things in this world I do believe that our world is experiencing the birth pains of the end. The weather has been weird for a few years. Things that should look alive aren’t looking alive. Everything has turned online for now. We are headed to a no cash system, which means we will not be able to buy and sell unless we go cashless. This is prophesied 2000 years ago in many parts of the Bible. There are already places of work where the employees have a chip in their hand (the mark of the beast will be on the forehead or the hand). There are wars and rumors of wars. There are famines and a lack of toilet paper…(LOL I had to get that in there). There are earthquakes of epic proportions in different locations. These are signs but it’s not the end yet.
I think the biggest thing for me is the reality of the dream that I had a year before Glen passed away. I know I shared it already but I’m going to share it again. The Dream…
“I was in a lot of pain and was so weak that I couldn’t move. I had to get an important document to someone so Glen went ahead of me to deliver it. That part didn’t hit me until I shared that at Glen’s service. Glen went ahead of me with something of mine and I was left here alone. He went up a massive flight of stairs that I couldn’t see the top of and I was left lying on a dirty mattress on a sidewalk at the foot of those stairs. I was in massive pain and people weren’t paying any attention to me but rather stepping over me and ignoring me. I looked to the right and saw a blood red sky. I looked to the left and saw the same blood red sky and thought it was strange. Then I saw swirling demonic figures coming towards me and I sighed. I was too tired for spiritual warfare but I knew I had Jesus so I said, “Ok Lord, help me.” Before the demonic got to me I was lifted up into the sky untouched and untouchable by them. My pain was instantly gone and I had energy swelling through me. I saw others in the sky. I looked and I saw Glen in the sky and I was SO excited to see him! (The Bible says that the dead in Christ will rise first and then us still on the earth so Glen was a little higher in the sky than I was which I’m only realizing in retrospect). I then saw Jesus rising with us and I was super excited and started fist pumping and yelling, “Praise God! Praise God! It’s happening! We get to go to heaven! Praise God!” And then I woke up. All my pain came rushing back. I tried to go back to sleep but was wide-awake. I was so disappointed!
That dream was very real – I believe that I was in a dream vision. I do believe that Jesus is coming soon. What and when that is I do not know, nor does anyone but Father God know when that time is. God does tell us to be aware of the seasons and be on guard and ready for Him to come and get us. I believe that we will be raptured before the great Tribulation and then God is still giving everyone else a chance to choose Him even yet as He does not want anyone to be lost.
I long for Heaven. I always have longed for Heaven even as a kid. Chronic pain also makes you long for a place where there is no sorrow, no pain, no tears…sounds pretty amazing and well, heavenly! Glen would actually tell me not to talk about Heaven so much because it made it sound like I didn’t want to be with him. Nothing could have been further from the truth as I loved being with him. Glen was my heaven on earth. I stopped talking about it as much for his sake. And then he went there before me. Nothing in this life is fair and I don’t suppose that it is supposed to be. We are told to expect trials and so we do. We are also told that we will not bear anything alone for our God will never leave us nor forsake us. I still long for Heaven. I long to see my Jesus face to face, and I long to see my Glen face to face. I know there’s no marriage in Heaven…it must be even better then because this world is just a shadow of Heaven. I’m ready for Heaven. I’m ready to be caught up in the sky and brought up to that Realm. So ready!
Today as I walked I saw signs of new life. Roses, dogwoods and ornamental cherry blossoms are starting to come out. They bloom with or without a virus going on almost as a poetic irony that states, “I will still live with beauty and joy and proclaim to all the world that I am beautiful!” I take hope with those new blooms. There is a time for grieving, and a time for new life. Now is the time for new life.