“He Heals the Wounds of Every Shattered Heart…”
Psalm 147:3
I read the words of the Psalm. Psalm 147:3 “He heals the wounds of every shattered heart.” I feel shattered all over. My heart feels like it’s in a million pieces. My body cries out in pain. I choose to trust again. I still have questions…Questions that really don’t have an answer yet I beg God for answers anyway. Questions like, “Why am I still on earth having been so sick with Lyme Disease for now forty years?” “How on earth is it that Glen is gone?” “How am I supposed to go on with joy without my beautiful man beside me?”
There’s more…yet they reverberate in cycles round and round in my exhausted mind. Being in Mexico was a beautiful break from the endless cycles that go round and round with very few answers. There were less reminders of Glen there and though he’s on my mind pretty much constantly there were times in Mexico where he wasn’t constantly in the forefront of my mind. That helped extremely much. I began to have a night or two of actual sleep, a real miracle since sleep for me is very difficult to obtain! Back home I was hit with massive physical pain again including daily, 24-hour migraines.
The Dream…
Glen was there with me. He was in the background and I kept trying to get closer but people were in my way. He wanted to greet as many people as possible yet also stay in the background. Typical of Glen. He never wanted to be noticed. I was just happy he was there. I was on a beach. Lot’s of people. A weird little animal that seemed to be a cross between a rabbit and a fish jumped at me with teeth like the dead blowfish I saw on the actual beach in Mexico. The little creature was biting me hard and it hurt a lot! I grabbed at it, trying desperately to get it off me while calling for Glen to help me. The creature lunged at me again and I saw I had no choice but to kill the creature as it lunged at me with superhuman strength. I was holding it back with it’s skull in between my fingers. I squeezed with all my might and it died. I felt bad. I was disgusted with what had happened. I called for Glen again. I don’t kill things! What was happening?! I kept calling for Glen as I felt the pain of the migraine again. Calling out in my sleep I woke up and was disoriented. Completely.
“Glen?” I called. Where was he?
“Glen?” I called again, thinking he must be in the bathroom. That’s usually where he was, especially lately. “Glen?!”
Now I heard desperation in my voice. I took a deep breath and oriented myself to where I was. Back at home in my bedroom in Abbotsford. Glen’s side of the bed was undisturbed. And then I knew the truth. Glen was not here. Glen would never be here again because Glen went ahead to the other realm that I cannot reach except in dreams. The reality was worse than the dream…
That, along with the migraine, set the tone for the next two weeks. I choose truth Lord. What is the truth? I must dwell on the truth!
“The truth My child, is that Glen is with me. I have called him here ahead of you for a large task. I needed one of you in this realm and one still on the earthly realm.”
I throw in my two cents at this point. “And you thought Glen would be best with you? Isn’t he the stronger of the two of us? I don’t even know how to back up the trailer! I’m not strong enough to put the blade on or off of the quad! I can’t even fix the wind torn to shreds greenhouse because I get too dizzy to stand on the ledge it’s situated on!”
I stop here out of sheer will and respect for God…I bow my head… “And you are God. I am not. If this is Your plan, and I know that it is, then there is good in it.”
God… “You are still not called to lift more than you can lift physically. You are called to what you have been called to all along. Build the ranch. Write the books I’ve instructed you to write. Preach and speak. Counsel and bring people to Me, to freedom. I know that you are shattered. I know that you are feeling pain deeper than anything you’ve ever felt before. I’ve also allowed the pain to go deeper these past few weeks because if you didn’t feel it with your level of high tuned conscience you would then beat yourself up for it. And now, live. I am so proud of you My daughter. Choose joy again and again. Glen is working here to help you with your calling. Well done my good and faithful servants. I am making you even stronger My princess. My warrior. Keep fighting. I am healing you.”
It is here that I pause. Healing me. He heals the wounds of every shattered heart. I know how extremely sensitive I am. Healing me doesn’t necessarily mean that I will be miraculously cured of Lyme Disease and the massive physical pain it puts me through – though I will continue to contend for that and claim it every day of my life before the high courts of heaven. Perhaps God will answer that prayer if I’m tenacious enough? Or maybe He’ll heal me of Lyme because He loves me deeply. Healing my shattered heart. I believe He will. I believe I will always miss Glen. I know it. I also know I will always love Glen. I don’t forget. I am loyal to a fault. It is my weakness and my strength of personality to be loyal and loving and forgiving.
I forgive you Glen. I forgive you for going first and leaving me to pick up the pieces. I know it was not your choosing. I know you fought hard to stay for me. So hard that you were literally a skeleton when God took you home so very quickly. I forgive you my beloved and I can’t wait to see you again when God wills it. I will choose joy everyday my beloved. Joy that will honor you and joy that will honor our Father God. I will choose to keep helping people even in the midst of my pain. I will choose to live in the bittersweet with the knowledge that the bittersweet will one day become more sweet than bitter again. Though it’s hard to imagine that. Though the pain ball has been ridiculously large the past two weeks, I choose the joy of the Lord as my strength. I choose to go on. To build that ranch the Lord is telling me to build (with help from others of course!) I choose to continue writing the books and when I’m strong enough to preach, speak and teach again. I will let the tears flow as they need to in order to become strong again. I choose to let You Lord, carry me. Even when I think I feel strong. I know You won’t let go of my hand. I choose to accept your answers for the plan even though I miss my Glen, and your Glen, desperately. I choose to embrace my reality and take life as a dare! One big beautiful dare!
I choose to learn how to hook up, back up and set up the RV. I choose to get better. I choose to continue on this earthly marathon at a pace that I can do, the pace that is right for me. I choose to accept Your Words as truth Lord Jesus. That You will heal every shattered heart – including mine. So on this day, I choose life again. Not just life, but a joy filled deliberate life as I did when I realized I was living in chronic pain. I glorify You God. I choose.